one more thing

no more back doors. i hate it.

i'll live with my inadequacies, thanks.

Labels: random

Tuesday, May 31, 2011 10:48 AM

hello.

long time no see.


the long wait ended on wednesday and everything falls into place. i think i'm just a very lucky ass.

suddenly, my life has direction for the next, oh, 15 years.

i've met many people who are concerned that i will come to regret it. well, i've made some really bad choices and i've lived with them without agonizing over them too much. every experience means something to me, and the more disastrous it was the more impact is has on how i live and handle my life. (and you can always brag about them years later when you're talking about incredibly stupid things you've done.) i don't think i ever seriously regretted going through them.

so i'll stick with this deal and see where it brings me. at best, it is perfect for me. at worst, i'll still have a place in society to do good work.
the ridiculousness of the bond is thrilling, in a way.

think of it like this: i won't have to make any more major life-changing decisions till 15 years later!

but yes, i am thankful.

-

anyway, i've been throwing myself into lots of new stuff these past months.

there was the 3/11 earthquake that brought me out from my comfortable apathetic shell; it was the first natural disaster that i watched so closely and felt so keenly for the people. (is it immoral to be so hugely biased?) i remember listening to TBS radio on the very first day when casualty reports were still trickling in - a few people here and there in tokyo - and then news came in that 300 bodies were found on the shore and there was a shocked, grim silence in the broadcasting room. of course, the numbers have soared far beyond that now, but the feeling of pain and loss at the time was equally acute.

被災された皆様に心よりお見舞い申し上げます。

yet i didn't have the courage to step out and help. i could only glue myself to twitter, as if being within the community of fear would make a difference. and argue with my family about radiation levels. pathetic. (i'm glad singaporeans weren't very caught up in sensationalist reporting. )

please continue to support japanese products and don't shun travelling to japan after the situation is resolved! (i hope it will be soon.) i believe that consumer confidence and tourism is what they need the most to bound back at this point, more than donations or messages of encouragement.
only the rest of the world can give them that.

-

then the elections came around. i stopped trying to think and feel like the japanese and found myself, for the first time, relishing being a singaporean. how come nobody told me elections were this exciting! if it had been in 2009 i wouldn't have struggled at memorizing all those political terms in GP; i learnt all of them in a week. again, twitter everyday (i have given up on facebook). i suppose the period was right with all the time on my hands to go for rallies and watch the news on TV.

i am looking forward to the next general election, but i will have to be in a different frame of mind altogether. i confess to spending most of the time laughing at the drama and finding my position on things instead of thinking about the real problems.

-

work is as usual and i'm knowing more and more people by the day. this period of time is the best, when you're getting to know people enough to not be strangers, but haven't been exposed too much to their annoying/ scary/ weird sides yet. i don't think i would have ever completely fit in, due to my age and status, but if i had stayed i could be working with a bunch of fun people who really know how to chill.

the project isn't making much headway, and while my supervisors hope i will be struck with some brilliant idea that saves the day, all i can work at daily is to share the workload.

-

something i just screwed up: electone. i missed the deadline to register for the exam. and i'm ending it here. (another item to add to my list of stupid things i've done.)

it's a huge waste and i am very sad about it, yet i was hanging on to it more for my parents than myself. maybe it's time to let go. but if i let go, what message am i giving myself?

what will keep me going on in everything else?

-

tuition. someone's grades in my hands. it's not just about my own future, now. it's nice to have something to pull myself out when i get too caught up in my own affairs.

progress is slow but I WILL SEE TO IT i swear.

-

also, i've been reading and reading and reading because this opportunity to read good books every single day will never come again. it's exhilarating to fall into the world of one book after another and from fiction to abrupt reality, in and out.

into orson scott card now, i highly recommend. the intensity his writing can achieve even when half the conversations are in ungrammatical or flat-out broken english is amazing.

and thank you to the people who have been pulling me to see plays and movies and joining all sorts of events. or just going out. it's unfamiliar territory sometimes, but i can tell you that i'm glad i went.


damn, i will miss these times.

-

i think i've changed a little.
but, probably, so has everyone else.

two more months of the best time in my life, where i am truly, completely free.

Labels: books, friends, japan, life, politics, random, work

Friday, May 27, 2011 8:31 PM