maybe it's just today, where everyone's emo and drained and sick and fed up with everything else.

i don't know what made it happen so suddenly, but it's the first time i'm really sick of all this studying. all the elitism crap. living up to expectations. trying to be on top all the time.
and i'm despairing about the future because i'm stuck in the middle, not knowing what to do, where to go. feeling suffocated and held back by stupid stupid STUPID things.
then i suddenly find that i can't do anything properly anymore, even stuff i used to be able to do last time, like i've invested my time in too many areas and they're all getting screwed up - not just schoolwork but family and friendships and commitments - and i've got nothing left. then the loose ends come back to haunt you.
such a mess. and it's scary. and i can't do anything about it.
for once i'm really depressed.
feel like crying a lot nowadays.

prospects of scholarships and applications and leadership crap and OMG I'M DAMN SICK OF IT. i look at the stack of pamphlets my mum brought home from the university talk, and i feel like crying. the only salvation comes from music and recently, books (i've almost forgotten how good the feeling of losing yourself in books can be). fandom hasn't been helping much because it's not *approved* and it's been really hard to watch stuff when your parents are around half the time and your computer is facing the door.

all they care about is grades, achievements, grades, grades, pragmatic benefits; they don't even give a damn about portfolio and throw holistic education out of the window.
all i care about is to be happy.

can't even do what i like anymore.
don't even know how i'm going to work out my life anymore.